Giving up the need.

At a certain moment in time this year, I made a decision. Although this was a pivotal moment I can’t even pinpoint exactly when it happened. Isn’t that the funniest thing about big decisions, sometimes they aren’t always big moments. I made a decision to care a whole lot less about the way I looked to everyone else. We live in this crazy world where we structure our lives to appear perfect and “together”, when actually, life doesn’t really look like that. Life is messy.

Oh sure, I am no where near as far along in this journey that I would like to be. One cannot simply just stop caring about what others think. That is most definitely a process and probably a long one but it’s a process that starts with a decision.

I made a decision to stop doing my hair.

At least, I decided it wasn’t necessary to do my hair everyday. Maybe this doesn’t seem like anything to you, but it was a big deal for me. I’ve got a very “done” look when it comes to hair and I never used to go anywhere without first washing, blow drying and then straightening my do. I took pride in it, thrived off compliments and was pretty stoked when people would ask for recommendations on which products to buy or where I got my hair done. It was my ‘thing’. If all else was failing that day, makeup, outfit, personality – at least I could count on my hair! It’s funny how quickly my little ‘thing’ turned into a big problem. Somehow, in the crazy part of my brain.. I developed this odd little complex, that if my hair wasn’t “good”.. no one would like me. I felt the pressure to succumb to comments like ‘Steff, your hair never looks bad’.

It was actually really hard to give it up, to just do my fringe and leave the rest to do its thing. My close friends seemed to understand what was going on and always complimented me more when I hadn’t done my hair. I saved time in the morning and tried to convince myself that I just didn’t really care what my hair looked like anymore. Eventually, it sort of worked.

What’s funny is – people like my hair this way. It would sort of curl in weird ways and there were parts that just didn’t look great. It was natural and it wasn’t perfect – yet somehow I still received compliments and I still had friends. Who knew?

Does this sound at all like you? Now more than ever aren’t we so concerned with perfection? Homemade meals now need to resemble Masterchef creations. #summerbody campaigns encouraging a faultless image. Instagrams staged to create an illusion of ‘indie/chic/hipster/coolness’. We’re changing our outfits and buying more clothes than we can afford so we aren’t seen in the same outfit twice. How many likes we think we’ll get determines everything and it’s all getting a little out of control.

I always get caught up on this lyric from Sara Bareilles’s song ‘the light’ in which she sings ‘Such a beautiful mess, intertwined and overrun’. I always wondered how ‘messy’ could be construed as beautiful. That never made much sense to me until now.

There is something beautiful in allowing your vulnerabilities, the things you wish to hide from the world, to be seen. Allowing those perceived faults or even legitimate faults to be visible says that being liked by others isn’t your highest priority. I found I had a crazy love for people who said in spoken or unspoken ways ‘You are safe with me’. ‘I like you just the way you are. My affections are not altered because of trivial superficial things. In fact, my affections are not altered at all because to accept the good in you, I also accept the mistakes’.

By trying to claim perfection am I not actually discrediting all that work that was done on the cross? If I am perfect then I have no need for help, or grace, or a saviour.
I am so, so far from perfect and so I wonder why I always feel the need to project an image of that which I’m not. I must give up the need I have to be perfect.

And so I stop doing my hair. I stop caring what other people think. I stop trying to make my life appear ‘perfect. I start trying to love better instead of trying to be better in order to be loved. I let people see the best side of me but also the worst because in actual fact, being completely yourself means a crazy beautiful mess of both, the best and the worst.

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without. (Confucius)

Disclaimer: Thank you for not judging me when my hair hasn’t been done. Please continue to not judge me whenever my hair IS done. Some days, despite this post, I will still do/care about my hair. This is not an excuse to be a hobo. End of disclaimer.

Gratefully Shot

After 60 days of photographing things I’m grateful for (365 Agradecido) I am definitely learning a thing or two about how to be thankful.

  1. Coffee Machines

While my new work’s coffee machine actually makes fairly rubbish tasting coffee (after 3 attempts I think I’ll stop) – the very fact that my work has a coffee machine is a huge upgrade.

2. Grocery Store Hair Dye

You woudln’t believe how fast my hair is growing. I have noticeable regrowth after 3 weeks of new hair colour. So I’m very grateful that fixing it, only costs $20.

3. Cupcakes

My new boss bought me a cupcake today. This  makes me so happy.

4. Hannah Pinches

This lovely lady deserves a mention. We went out for dinner and movie last night – she’s honestly just really good company. I laugh a lot when I’m with her and it’s very reassuring to hang out with someone who gets all your references, quotes and jokes.

5. Mum’s Jewellery Collection

She honestly owns a ridiculous amount of jewellery. I could borrow something every day for a year and she probably wouldn’t notice. This is my favourite that I’m loving at the moment.

6. The Adjustment Bureau

I’m glad people still make decent films. It’s so rare to go to a thought provoking movie that isn’t just.. really weird and creepy. Every Christian should go see this. It’s funny how so much of the movie identifies with our worldview and yet how so much of it doesn’t fit in at all. It really helped me cement what I believe about fate, destiny & will. Emily Blunt is also amazing.

7. Bones Drama

Bones is finally amping up the antics when it comes to realtionships drama. So much slow moving tension building up over seasons.. and then Season 5 is just bringing out the big guns in terms of surprise drama.

8. HOLIDAY

20 days until I’m on holidays for 2 weeks! A week in Tassie and then a couple of days either side (due to the amazing amount of public holidays in April) is going to be just SO lovely. Plus Dave & Mel’s wedding. Yay!

9. Jesus

10. My new work. I’ve alluded to how much I love it already. But I really do. Grateful & Thankful and Happy.

Copycat

In the spirit of copying a friends idea.. here are some things I am loving at the moment.

Tea

I’m loving iced tea, lemon tea, peppermint tea, licorice legs tea and just good old regular black tea. This kind of weather is perfect for tea.

Netball

No I haven’t gone all sporto on you, I went to a netball game tonight. Ashamedly mainly because my friend Tegan was a ring in even though a lot of other friends play. It was heated and we very nearly won. I discovered Ruth Limkin should add sports commentary to her list of many talents.

Apple Pies with Soft Serve

For $1.50 this is a great dessert idea! You alternate the hot apple pie with the cold soft serve.. it’s a good mix I say. Thanks to Ruth and Steve for this one!

a_CROSS//The_EARTH – Tear Down the Walls

It’s a great album. Loving singing some of these new songs in church and loving belting them out in my car. Favourites would be.. More than Anything & Tear Down the Walls

Smallville

I’m pretty much always loving this show. Who knew I could actually successfully write an entire assignment to a season or two of Smallville in the background. I thought it would make me distracted.. but the slight distraction in the background has kept me for becoming depressed about this thing called university.

Extensions

I had two days to complete a really difficult assignment.. and then I realised.. the communications department decided to give us all an extension for like another two or 3 weeks!

Freebies

I worked a pretty ridiculous function last Saturday night, a masquerade ball. They were all so drunk when 4 security guards managed to throw them all out that half of them left their masks behind. I took home 3 masks that night. Might come in handy.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

Well.. a pretty ridiculous saying.. but I cleaned my bathroom today.. with bleech and all.. it’s pretty glorious (apart from the smell). I’m tackling the bedroom tomorrow!!

 

To balance out all the love, let me just say that I hate not having any money and I hate having ridiculously thick hair!

All things Fashion

As I’ve previously mentioned, I love Chictopia. And I really love one of my ‘favourite chictopians’ Marielle. I noticed her on Chictopia, and then made my way onto her blog. She’s gorgeous and has gorgeous taste in clothes and shoes.

toosexyformyshirt

Looking at fashion picture is depressing, there’s so many things I want to spend my money on, but I need to spend it on paying off my car etc.

Jimmy Choo

I’m also purchasing a macbook. My old laptop is in serious need of a replacement and I was looking at getting one. A friend is selling their 2007 black macbook at like a really great price. So at the end of this glorious long weekend, I will be the proud owner of a new (to me) macbook.

I’m so excited about this weekend. Tonight I’m going putt putt golfing with Fusion and then later hanging out with the lovely Jade Shanley who is heading off to Japan soon. I haven’t seen her in so long so that will be lovely. Then I’m getting a hair cut, something I haven’t done in so long. I’m growing my hair, but thinking of something similar to the pic below. Maybe a tad longer.

Haircut

Then an Australia Day service practice (not so exciting) and then seeing Bride Wars with Bec later on that evening. Then the next two days I don’t have much planned.. just some serious chilling and book reading.

Also, pretty sure I’m everyone’s favourite person in the office, at least today. It’s Steve’s birthday and I’m in charge of buying and setting up for cake time. I must have picked a good one today. Everyone loves me.

Birthdays and Haircolour..

Have you ever noticed that redheads haven’t always had the best repuation..
We’re either fiery redheads, or dorky redheads, or sunburnt redheads, or freckly, pale redheads.. For a long time it wasn’t cool to be a redhead.
Now some of you will still say it isn’t cool, but I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong.
I was born a redhead (no matter how pale it is) and despite my various attempts to “get rid” of my reddish hair.. I am still very proud to be a redhead. There’s something incredibly wonderful about being a part of TEAM RED.. running to the sound of REDNUTS ASSEMBLE.. and of course the joys of slip slop slapping 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year!

I’ve noticed with my hair, that some strands are blonde, (some strands natural blonde, some fake) strands of brown, strands of orange, and then strands of red. Today I found a strand of red.. It’s kind of wirey.. and very cool. The pure red strands are getting rare, as whenever I find one I pull it out and just marvel at the wonder.. *I thought I would share this all with you*

Also – a big holla to my homie.. (what’s with the gangsta talk steff?) Laura Fraser.. whose birthday it is today.
Love your insides Laura. Now you can get married, and let’s hurry up about it.