Makeup & Masks.

The other day I was driving to work, crying.

I normally drive to work, but not usually crying. In fact, the crying is very rare and only certain things set me off; men crying in films, confrontation and cutting onions.

I’m not great at mornings and so often forgo things in order to get more sleep; hair, makeup, breakfast. Over time I realised that I could sleep for a little longer if I did my makeup in the car. I have a reasonably long drive to work, which means I can get away with doing most of my makeup whilst stuck in traffic and at traffic lights.

So this particular morning, I had left for work with my makeup undone and the tears sporadically falling. I figured that once I got these pesky tears under control, I could start my makeup routine. Any girl can tell you there’s no point bothering with mascara if there’s a potential for tears. What a mess.

But just when I thought I had them under control, they’d start back up again. It was a disaster. I was nearly halfway there and I hadn’t started my makeup. Eventually I just decided I needed to get this show on the road and even if it meant I had to touch up my makeup, I should at least start. Weird thing was, as soon as I started to actually apply the makeup – I instantly stopped crying and the tears never came back. BAM, crisis averted.

Immediately I was hit with the incredible symbolism of that moment. That I literally was covering up my face and in doing so, covering up my pain. Hiding it away under a layer of Napoleon & Lancôme.

Does this kind of moment sound at all familiar to anyone?

Perhaps it’s a big but fake smile that you’ve perfected over the years. Perhaps it’s a busy routine that stops you from feeling. Perhaps it’s a critical spirit or an intense sense of humour or a perfectly curated instagram feed. Layers and layers of “makeup” so perfectly applied that you’ve forgotten you were hurting in the first place.

What’s your go to mask? What do you do to hide the pain that you’re experiencing? What’s your routine that prevents you from being real and vulnerable with people?

Masks are deceptive little things.

With my makeup mask firmly in place – it was incredible easy for me to move on with my day. I could pretend it had never happened. It didn’t have any impact. It didn’t hurt. I’m good, over it – ‘look how perfect my face (life) is’.

With my makeup mask firmly in place – it would have been easy to arrive at work and pretend like nothing had happened. How ridiculous to answer ‘how are you this morning?’ with a ‘not great actually’. How crazy to ask for help, for someone to talk to?

The problem with masks is twofold.

You stop yourself from healing, actually forgiving and forgetting. The mask tricks you. You didn’t actually work through it – you covered it up. When you take your “makeup” off at the end of the day, all that grit is still there.

You also prevent anyone from being a part of the healing process. The mask tricks people and says ‘back off – I don’t need you’. You prevent relationship – which when you’re alone, mask-less – is all you really crave. Honest and real relationship.

The whole thing is crazy. No one wants to hide his or her pain all day. No one wants to shun honest relationship. So, how do we stop? How do we get better at being honest with each other, with ourselves?

I don’t really know. But writing this was step 1 for me.

I want to learn how to be real and vulnerable. And not just because it’s trendy to be authentic but because masks are tiring and toxic for me and for you. It prevents me from dealing with the not so perfect parts of life and it prevents you from connecting with me – the real me. Yuck.

When I figure out step 2, maybe I’ll let you know.

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Copycat

In the spirit of copying a friends idea.. here are some things I am loving at the moment.

Tea

I’m loving iced tea, lemon tea, peppermint tea, licorice legs tea and just good old regular black tea. This kind of weather is perfect for tea.

Netball

No I haven’t gone all sporto on you, I went to a netball game tonight. Ashamedly mainly because my friend Tegan was a ring in even though a lot of other friends play. It was heated and we very nearly won. I discovered Ruth Limkin should add sports commentary to her list of many talents.

Apple Pies with Soft Serve

For $1.50 this is a great dessert idea! You alternate the hot apple pie with the cold soft serve.. it’s a good mix I say. Thanks to Ruth and Steve for this one!

a_CROSS//The_EARTH – Tear Down the Walls

It’s a great album. Loving singing some of these new songs in church and loving belting them out in my car. Favourites would be.. More than Anything & Tear Down the Walls

Smallville

I’m pretty much always loving this show. Who knew I could actually successfully write an entire assignment to a season or two of Smallville in the background. I thought it would make me distracted.. but the slight distraction in the background has kept me for becoming depressed about this thing called university.

Extensions

I had two days to complete a really difficult assignment.. and then I realised.. the communications department decided to give us all an extension for like another two or 3 weeks!

Freebies

I worked a pretty ridiculous function last Saturday night, a masquerade ball. They were all so drunk when 4 security guards managed to throw them all out that half of them left their masks behind. I took home 3 masks that night. Might come in handy.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

Well.. a pretty ridiculous saying.. but I cleaned my bathroom today.. with bleech and all.. it’s pretty glorious (apart from the smell). I’m tackling the bedroom tomorrow!!

 

To balance out all the love, let me just say that I hate not having any money and I hate having ridiculously thick hair!